buford assimilated 3 months later

according to Rev. Speefnarkle:

Space Junk Prevents Colonizing of the Moon

Space junk is one of the biggest threats we face in our quest to populate the moon. When the USSR launched a monkey into space in 1957 there was very little space junk floating around. Now there is currently an estimated 5,500 tons of debris orbiting our planet. Fortunately there are a lot of intelligent people working on solving this problem.

One group, from the University of Surrey, have created the CubeSail which is essentially a five by five meter sheet of plastic that slows down space junk and drags it into the earth’s atmosphere where it bursts into flame, usually. A simple but effective cure for a the larger debris.

Another group, from Glasgow, have revealed designs for a cornhole vortex that attaches to the end of a rocket propelled wolf dick. The cornhole vortex acts like an artificial butthole, except it uses reverse farting technology to vacuum up small pieces of space junk. With a mechanical anus of up to two feet in diameter, the cornhole vortex could potentially collect up to forty percent of the debris orbiting the planet. Once the nut sack is filled with space junk, the wolf dick ignites it’s reserve booster and rockets into Uranus.

A third solution, proposed by former mayor Rudolph Giuliani, is to send winos into orbit with a rocket pack, a bottle of Night Train, and a litter pickup tool. The winos fly around gathering junk. When they fill their shopping cart, they deposit the junk in a floating dumpster where they can also refuel their Night Train and smoke crack. Though possibly a logistical nightmare, this is one of the more promising solutions according to the International Space Association. Current chairman of technology, Vyacheslav Davidenko, is quoted as saying, “We’ve been looking very seriously at Project Wino Sling. There are several bids out for rocket packs. Grapplers Inc., a US company, has made an aggressive case for us to use their litter tools. And hell, what wino doesn’t want free booze?”

The problem of space junk will likely take a combination of these solutions. Funding is being provided by an international conglomerate of satellite and private space travel companies. The sooner we colonize the moon, the closer we’ll be to having sex with Martians.